


'tis the season to be horny

by volacious



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "platonic" mutual masturbation, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Crack Taken Seriously, Horny Pining, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, POV Sakusa Kiyoomi, Semi-Crack, but not the way you think, is that a thing? probably not, presumed one-sided attraction, references to masturbation but it's not in detail
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 18:02:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28301307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/volacious/pseuds/volacious
Summary: "Omi-kun," Miya began, his voice trembling, "are ya a virgin?"Sakusa gave him the flattest stare he could muster. "No," he said slowly, "I am not a virgin, Miya. I simply do not have the need to engage in a relationship with my right hand every Friday night.""Hey!" Miya protested indignantly. "I alternate hands, thank you very much! It's not always my right hand!"AKA Sakusa can hear whatever Miya Atsumu is listening to, courtesy of their soulmate bond. This, of course, extends to porn videos.
Relationships: Miya Atsumu/Sakusa Kiyoomi
Comments: 13
Kudos: 195





	'tis the season to be horny

**Author's Note:**

> reader discretion is advised :)
> 
> warning: mentions of masturbation and stuff but it doesn't really go into detail... still, probably not good to read around a family member
> 
> merry christmas! (if you celebrate it)

Sakusa woke up on November 1st to his soulmate blasting Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas Is You on full volume. He only shared one soulmate connection like this—having the _(dis)pleasure_ of being able to hear what song your soulmate was listening to—so he knew immediately who the culprit was.

He fumbled around for his phone on the bedside table, unlocked it, and hit dial on phone contact “Dumber”. While the tone beeped in his ear, the song continued to play in his head and Sakusa clicked his tongue in annoyance.

The minute his call was picked up, Sakusa immediately said, “Turn off that goddamned song right now, Miya.”

On the other end, Miya Atsumu whined into his phone, “C’mon, Omi-kun! Have some Christmas spirit, won’t ya!”

Sakusa winced. Not only did he have the song playing in his head; now, he could also hear it from Miya’s end over the phone call. It was _double_ torture. 

“It’s November 1st, Miya,” Sakusa deadpanned. “If you don’t turn it off, I’m going to blast that song you hate tonight during your masturbating session.”

Miya let out an indignant sound. “Hey! How do you even know about that, Omi-kun! Have ya been stalking me or somethin’?”

“This is a threat,” Sakusa replied, smoothly ignoring Miya’s question. “Goodbye, Miya.”

Then, he hung up the phone and laid back down on the bed, closed his eyes, and waited for the song to stop playing so he could try and go back to sleep.

To Miya’s credit, he _did_ turn off the song relatively quickly after the call ended ( _He must be desperate to masturbate_ , Sakusa thought to himself, then snorted) but the damage had already been done. 

Sakusa Kiyoomi was wide awake, not a single trace of sleepiness remaining in his consciousness. 

Seriously, fuck Miya Atsumu. _Who starts listening to Christmas songs on the very first day of November anyway_ , Sakusa raged to himself as he forced himself out of bed and stomped his way over to the bathroom.

He continued to cuss out Miya in his head as he squeezed out a line of toothpaste onto his toothbrush, glared at his reflection in the mirror, and started vigorously brushing his teeth.

Unsurprisingly, his mind drifted off to the threat he made earlier about interrupting Miya’s masturbation session. Miya had asked him how he’d known about it—well, Sakusa _wouldn’t_ know about it if the fucking soulmate connection they had didn’t broadcast porn moaning _too_. As if those indecent sounds could be counted as _music_.

_I wonder what Miya’s moans sound like_ , Sakusa’s mind thought for one horrible moment. Then, he was aggressively shaking his head to rid himself of any subsequent similar thoughts, mentally screaming _NONONONONONONO DO NOT THINK OF THAT_ at himself, as if his brain ever listened to him and didn't just do whatever it wanted.

_I must have committed some heinous crime in my past life_ , Sakusa deduced, spitting out into the sink and running the water. _To be attracted to Miya Atsumu of all people._

Even to this day, Sakusa was still in awe of how his brain could have picked literally _any_ of his other soulmates to fixate upon, to have an embarrassingly large crush on, and his brain had chosen _Miya Atsumu_. It was even more stupid because he and Miya had, upon discovering they were soulmates, agreed that the soulmate bond they shared must be a platonic one, and then Sakusa had gone and developed a crush on him anyway.

Imagine developing a crush on someone you previously declared as your platonic soulmate—truly, that was just embarrassing. Which was why Sakusa had been keeping his lips tightly sealed about said crush, even to pesky Motoya who spammed his phone every week asking about it. 

Maybe if he ignored it, it would go away on its own. That would be the best-case scenario, hands down.

( _No it wouldn't_ , his brain screamed as his heart pounded against the prison cell bars of his ribcage. _Best case scenario is Miya Atsumu returning your feelings and then having hot steamy sex with him!_

Sakusa ignored them.)

Next step in his morning routine was a hot shower. Sakusa indulged himself with some extra time under the hot water, relishing the warmth on his skin and trying his best to not think about how he wished the warmth belonged to Miya.

Okay, so he had been lying a bit when he'd cursed himself for developing a crush on Miya Atsumu out of all his soulmates. Honestly speaking, Miya was the most viable option for Sakusa to end up with, simply because Wakatoshi—whom he shared physical pain with—had a boyfriend, and Iizuna—whose name sat neatly across Sakusa's wrist in kanji—was engaged to be married in late March next year.

So, no, Sakusa couldn't have picked literally any of his other soulmates to have a crush on _and_ have it end well. He might have had a chance with Miya if his stupid past self hadn't agreed that it was a platonic soulmate bond between them, but his stupid past self _had_ done that. So.

It wasn't like he _needed_ to end up with one of his soulmates. There were people out there who only have platonic soulmates and who end up with someone who wasn't a soulmate. It wasn't like Sakusa hadn't tried; he'd dated a few times in college, but none of them had lasted very long. The longest relationship had gone on for 1 year, and she'd ditched him for her newly found soulmate, which had hurt then but which Sakusa understood.

In the end, when it came to soulmate vs. non-soulmate, it was a no-brainer who the winner was.

When Sakusa stepped out of the shower, his skin was flushed red from the heat and he dried himself off, then slipped on a pair of clean underwear, a hoodie and some sweatpants. It wasn't like he was dressing to impress anyone today, anyway.

He checked his phone. There were 5 new texts from Miya.

**Dumber**

_hey omi-kun!!_

_don't think you can get away with not answering my question!!!_

_how did you know about that??? do you have some sorta camera in my room??_

_answer me!!!_

_hey!!!! omi omi!!!_

The last message was sent just 5 minutes ago. Sakusa snorted to himself and was just about to type a reply back when a knock came at his apartment door.

"Hey, Omi-kun! Open up!" The (unwanted) visitor called as he banged a few more times on the door. Of course it would be Miya Atsumu who would drop by unceremoniously, without any prior warning at all.

Sakusa looked through the peephole, waited for Miya to lean onto the door and press his ear to it (as if that would help him determine if anyone was home) before swiftly opening the door, causing Miya to stumble and lose his balance, barely managing to catch himself before he fell over.

"Omi, ya jerk! What was that for!" Miya shouted accusingly once he'd taken off his shoes at the entrance and stepped fully into Sakusa's apartment, the door shut behind him.

"Not my fault you were eavesdropping outside my apartment," Sakusa replied drily. "And what are you doing here, Miya?"

"I came over cuz ya weren't answerin' my texts!" Miya said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. He took off his winter jacket and hung it up on Sakusa's coat rack. "Figured ya couldn't run from a face-to-face verbal conversation."

Not for the first time in his life, Sakusa wondered why Miya would choose specifically this area of his life to apply his limited brain power to. It was almost like Miya had devoted his entire brain to making Sakusa's life harder.

"I was just in the shower," Sakusa responded easily. "As for how I know about your nightly routine with your right hand…" He lifted an eyebrow at Miya (who had made himself at home on Sakusa's couch). "Why don't you try figuring that out yourself if you're so smart?"

Miya groaned. "Are ya seriously tryin' to make me guess how exactly yer keepin' tabs on me jerking off?" he asked incredulously. Then, his eyes widened like he'd realised something, and he smirked. "Actually… why _are_ ya keepin' tabs on me jerking off, hm? Omi-kun? Ya got a crush on me?"

Not liking how the tables had been turned on him, Sakusa snapped, "Don't flatter yourself, Miya. I only know about it because of the moaning from those stupid porn videos you watch!" He paused to take in the shocked expression on Miya's face, then sneered, "Those are some shit videos too, by the way. The moaning is way too exaggerated and fake."

"Are ya judging the porn videos I watch purely by the moaning?" Miya asked disbelievingly. "And you can _hear_ the porn I'm watching? Why didn't I know about this?"

"That would be because _I_ don't watch porn videos." 

"Wha- hey, then how d'ya get off, then?" Miya asked, disbelief turning into curiosity. "D'ya read hentai or something?"

Sakusa looked at Miya with as much disgust as he could channel into his expression. "I don't," he replied flatly.

"You don't?" Miya repeated like he couldn't believe his ears. "You don't what? Jerk off? Read hentai? Which is it, Omi-kun?"

"Both."

Miya gaped at him. Sakusa wished the flush on his cheeks would go away because it was seriously clashing with the vibe he wanted to give off. For fuck's sake, he wanted to be a cold aloof mysterious person, not some shy blushing virgin who didn't even masturbate.

"Omi-kun," Miya began, his voice trembling, "are ya a virgin?"

Sakusa gave him the flattest stare he could muster. "No," he said slowly, "I am not a virgin, Miya. I simply do not have the need to engage in a relationship with my right hand every Friday night."

"Hey!" Miya protested indignantly. "I alternate hands, thank you very much! It's not always my right hand!"

"Wow," Sakusa said monotonously. "Thank you for that completely unneeded piece of information."

There was silence for a moment. Then, Miya broke it by asking, "So like, just curious, why don't ya jerk off? Is it like, ya can't get it up or somethin'?"

_No_ , Sakusa thought. _It's because I literally only get turned on thinking about you being the one to dick me down and I don't want to masturbate to you because then I won't be able to look you in the eye at practice or ever again._

Instead of voicing out his humiliating thoughts, Sakusa replied coldly, "I don't see how it's any of your business, Miya."

Miya blinked. "But we're soulmates, Omi-kun! Ya should be able to share your troubles with me! Who knows, maybe I can help out with them!"

_You can help me by fucking me until I don't remember my own name_ , Sakusa thought, and then was subsequently horrified at himself for thinking. The longer he was in Miya's presence, the hornier he got. This was a bad thing.

"We're _platonic_ soulmates," Sakusa corrected. He watched something akin to disappointment flitter across Miya's face, but it was gone so fast he wondered if he'd imagined it. He probably had. Self-projection was a bitch.

"Exactly," Miya said solemnly, but not without a gleam in his eyes. "So like, let's say ya had trouble getting it up, I could lend ya a hand or somethin' y'know? Platonically, of course."

"Platonically," Sakusa echoed, not quite believing what he was hearing. "Are you offering to jerk me off _platonically_ , Miya?"

"Yeah! You got it!" Miya beamed. "I mean, only if ya want to, of course."

"And what do you get out of it?" Sakusa asked before he could stop himself. The sane and logical part of his mind was screaming at him for not straight-up rejecting the offer.

Miya shrugged. "Well, I'm always up to help a teammate in need! Plus, yer my soulmate, y'know?" His expression softened. 

Sakusa kept his expression blank, pretending his heart wasn't about to burst its way out of its prison in Sakusa's chest. "And?"

"Alright, fine," Miya huffed. " _And_ I'm not gonna be able to watch porn videos anymore without thinkin' about ya hearing it all, so I figured I have two hands, I could always jerk myself off while doin' the same for you."

"Knew it," Sakusa declared triumphantly. "I _knew_ you had an ulterior motive to this."

"Yeah, well, I don't see ya rejecting it immediately," Miya shot back. "So d'ya wanna do it or not?"

Sakusa pretended to think it over for a moment, just for appearance's sake. He already had an answer ( _Bad answer! Please reconsider,_ Logical and Sane wailed; _Good answer! Go get those orgasms,_ the rest of his brain cells cheered), but it wouldn't do for him to agree so easily to it. He might come off desperate.

After a little while more of false contemplation, Sakusa said, "Okay, fine."

Miya blinked at him. "What?" he asked, like he was afraid he'd hallucinated Sakusa's answer.

"I said fine, let's do it. The platonic mutual masturbation," Sakusa repeated, his tone unwavering.

A slow grin crept across Miya's face. "I _knew_ you found me hot," he crooned victoriously. "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone else, Omi-kun."

Stone-faced, Sakusa simply said, "This has nothing to do with your attractiveness." _Fuck, why does he have to make finding him hot so hard?_

"Whatever ya say, Omi-kun," Miya said cheekily, still grinning smugly. Then, his eyes purposefully roved over Sakusa's body, up and down and up, and he winked. "Yer not so bad yerself. Could be dressed better, though. But yer hot enough that the outfit works."

Sakusa counted to ten twice in his head and forced himself to unclench his fist. "I don't recall asking your opinion," he said coldly. "And _you're_ the one who dropped by out of the blue."

Miya chuckled. "Awww did I hurt ya feelings, Omi-omi?" He smiled. "Don't take it to heart, I was just jokin' around!"

_Insufferable jerk_ , Sakusa glowered, but he refused to let Miya see how much his words affected him. _Incorrigible. I can't believe I have a crush on_ you _of all people._

"If you're quite done, let's move on to the details of this…" Sakusa paused, trying to find the right word. "Agreement."

Miya leaned his elbows on the couch armrest, propping his chin up with his knuckles. "Go on,” he urged. “I’m listenin’.”

“What a rare occurrence,” Sakusa commented, smirking at Miya’s indignant protest. “Number one, no one else is to know about this.”

“Yeah, because I go around broadcasting every detail about my sex life, right?” Miya said sarcastically. “That one’s a given, Omi-kun. Next.”

“Better safe than sorry,” Sakusa responded. “Number two, when we do it, we do it at _my_ place. I’ve seen what _your_ room looks like.” He wrinkled his nose at the memory.

“Hey!” Miya cried out, offended. “Ya just happened to catch me the day before my weekly clean, okay!”

“Number three,” Sakusa continued, ignoring Miya’s feeble excuse, “is that— “

He cut himself off, suddenly realising something. He had been about to say _this is strictly platonic_ but, oh, who was Sakusa kidding? He didn’t _want_ it to be strictly platonic. He’d already agreed to fuck himself over once, he wasn’t going to do it again.

Sensing that Sakusa was hesitating, Miya jumped in with, “Number three, ya help me out and I help ya out? Or do ya expect me to do all the work, Omi-kun?” He arched an eyebrow at Sakusa, the corner of his lips slightly uplifted in a smirk.

Sakusa cleared his throat. “I see things through to the end, Miya.” God, he hoped Miya didn’t hear his voice tremble. “If you’re unable to finish with your own hand, I can lend you mine, I suppose.”

He left it off there and waited for Miya to bring up something about keeping things platonic. His heart was racing in his chest, and his mouth had gone unbelievably dry.

Instead of doing that, Miya simply asked, “So… when do we start?”

_Right now_ , Sakusa thought, then mentally slapped himself. Outwardly, he managed to say, “Sunday,” and hoped it didn’t sound too strangled or desperate,

“In two days? Wow, that’s faster than I thought you’d say, Omi-kun.” Miya chuckled.

“If you have a better suggestion, I’d love to hear it,” Sakusa snapped right back, trying to will the pink blush on his cheeks away.

Miya shrugged. “Didn’t say it was a bad thing,” he replied. “Sunday’s fine by me.”

“Great,” Sakusa forced out.

“Great.”

Silence, awkward. Absolutely mortifying.

Then, Miya stood back up from the couch and walked over to the door. "Well, I gotta get going now." He paused to slip on his winter jacket, then turned to do a cheeky salute at Sakusa. "See ya on Sunday, Omi-kun!"

It was only after the door had closed behind Miya that Sakusa let his shoulders sag, feeling like he'd aged a hundred years. Just _what_ on Earth had happened? What had he agreed to? _Platonic_ mutual masturbation? Was that even a fucking thing?

"Fuck me," Sakusa groaned, closing his eyes and wishing this were all a dream.

_Yeah, hopefully, Miya will want to after hearing your sexy moans,_ the unhelpful part of his brain supplied. _Better start practicing them in the shower! Show him what moans are supposed to sound like!_

Sakusa pushed down the hope ballooning in his chest. "Fat fucking chance," he mumbled. 

Still, he supposed things could be worse. For one, he and Miya could share a soulmate connection that granted the other access to their thoughts. Sakusa shivered a little just imagining that. The _horror_.

As things went, this wasn't the _worst_ possible outcome. Sure, agreeing to jerk off with his crush probably wasn't going to magically make Sakusa fall out of love with him, but it wasn't _all_ bad. He was going to have Miya's hand on his dick, come Sunday.

Just the thought of that was enough to make his dick twitch in his pants. Sakusa willed his boner to go back down, but much like his brain, his dick refused to listen to him.

"For fuck's sake," Sakusa grumbled to himself. 

Then, he hopped back into the shower—this time, with the water setting turned to _cold_. 

**Author's Note:**

> do i regret writing this? a little. hopefully it made you laugh bc idk wtf this is either!
> 
> kudos and comments appreciated. if you scream at me, i deserve it, probably. thanks for reading to the end!
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/voIacious) | [cc](https://curiouscat.me/volacious) | [fic graphic](https://twitter.com/voIacious/status/1342270639164379137?s=20)


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